Diary from 5/22/22
I’m so scared but I really don’t want to be. If I didn’t live my life in fear, everything would be easier. I catch glimpses of myself fearless. Today I was sitting on the toilet peeing with my window open.
I hate that window.
I know at night when I turn the lights on, the outline of me is totally visible. That’s scary to me. But today when I was peeing and I thought I heard my neighbor outside, I didn’t have a physical reaction. I didn’t have a reaction at all. I just kept peeing. It felt nice to not get all tense for no reason. Why can’t my door be open at night if I wanna feel a cool breeze on my face? It’s because I’m afraid someone’s going to come in and kill me. Genuinely. Sometimes I can’t believe how scared I am of getting murdered. I’ve felt this way since I was a child. Since I can remember, I’ve been convinced someone is for sure going to kill me. Hasn’t happened yet but I’m not letting up hope.
I really like my life when I decide to not worry. It’s bliss fr. Oh, so I can, like, wake up in the morning and enjoy myself? I can wake up in the morning and have a coffee and not dread every move I make afterwards? Genuinely I am asking if anyone lives their life in this way. Sometimes I wake up and wish everything was different, and then after that thought passes through me, I have to try really hard to find something to be excited about. Does anyone do that? A lot of the time, and I’m not kidding, it’s jeans. I’m like— oh those jeans will look so great on me today. I’m sorry but does that not make me sound boring? I resent that it’s not art making me want to live and it’s JEANS. I resent that it’s not about creating something. I’m so lazy. My life is easy, yet I suffer so deeply. My life is a nightmare that just so happens to be dressed like a daydream. What I can’t take is how quickly something makes me happy, And then how Just Like That I lose the feeling. And then I’m left searching for the next thing to give me that rush. I’m also in the midst of quitting vape. Quit the vape. Doja Cat had to cancel her tour. Quit it. Do it.
Somedays are great. When I get my period I go off the walls bonkers insane. Eating healthy does actually make you happy. The internet is the death of joy. I used to want a flip phone simply for the novelty of it but now I actually want one because even though my life would be harder without an iPhone, it would be better. I’m sick of you bitches. Stop sharing your life. You’re making everything miserable. When I care about Instagram is when I am the worst version of myself. I sometimes sit back and wonder what we’d all do without it. I like to picture a day where a decision gets made and we all wake up and the app is gone. I would probably feel very alone and also an immediate lack of purpose. How sad that I might feel that way. I wonder how quickly I would stop missing it, or when the withdrawals would taper off. Even when I delete that app off my phone I know it’s still there. I used to feel like I might actually miss something when I took time off of it. Even though I stay on and even though I post and think about it and waste my time on this Earth on that app, I hate it. It’s so hilarious to feel this way. Obviously I am a hypocrite. I’ve been soaking in a hypocrite marinade for days and here I am, ready to eat.
What’s the vibe for this summer guys? Is it athleisure or farm girl chic? Fun in the sun? Party all night? Read by the lake? Text by the sea? I haven’t been able to imagine my life more than a month from now and I think that’s good.