On Fall

Well would you look at that. Fall has rolled around and I am feeling conflicted as I usually do around this time of year. I want a pumpkin by the front door and a Target blanket with leaves on it wrapped around my body at the end of the day. And yes, it’s nearly mid October, but I cant allow myself to have these things.  Why? Walk with me.

October is one of the hotter months in LA. this used to plague me as a high schooler, one who was obsessed with the feeling of the seasons changing from summer to fall. as unaware of the shape of my body as I was (I thought I was stick thin and I wasn’t) I did not particularly enjoy summer clothes. Actually, its not really that I didn’t enjoy them, I was just over it by mid July. 

So when September rolled around and all of my cousins or people I saw on the internet started to be like OMG fall is here, nothing on this earth made me more lime green with jealousy. September was so so hot in LA and I was in denial. Everyday for school I would dress like a grandpa braving the morning cold to go get the paper in the driveway. Boots, green pants, Fishermans knit sweater, a particular wool overcoat from Madewell that made me feel very hip. Actually one time a popular girl in my AP Euro class approached me to tell me I should start a fashion blog and yes you guessed it, I was wearing the coat.

I’d feel so safe in my fall clothes, but by 9 in the morning I’d be sweating and so angry. All I wanted was to be dressed appropriately for cold weather in some small town with foliage, having taken the bus to school where I sat next to my crush who barely knew I existed but I’d catch his attention with a joke or my sock choice. Instead I was driving to school along the hot beach, parking a 10 minute walk away from campus on a major boulevard behind a guy who ACTUALLY TRULY did not know I existed and who’s name I did not know for months until I decided to finally do some investigative work and find out his name because I had what felt like a legitimate crush on him and then 4 years later I went to a chiropractor and that chiropractor was his mother. 

I’d get home from high school and lay in bed and scream at the sky, why??? Where is the rain? The overcast? I want to light a cinnamon candle but i’m afraid my skin is going to Melt off. I want to go jump in a pile of fallen leaves but I’m afraid i’m going to get run over by a car because i’m on a major boulevard. And the most painful thing of all…… I want to turn on Gilmore Girls but I will not be able to relate or even pretend I can relate a little bit because the sun will be shining so bad in my eyes it will blind me and I won’t see the TV. 

My freshman year of college in New York I was in heaven except I wasn’t because I was depressed from a break up. I didn’t care about coats in the same way I once did, which sort of confirms the theory that you want what you can’t have. but I think it was just a general anxiety of trying to establish myself in a new place with new people when I felt I had done a pretty bang up job at that the previous 7 years of my life. I was just thrown all the time. And then, in what can only be described as a flash, I was shipped back to LA to sit inside my parents house for 2 years straight… so numb after a while that I forgot about the fall spirit in its entirety. 

but I have healed. And grown emotionally. In the past I had a horrible habit of obsessively checking the weather during September and October and praying for below 65, but now I just let the days be what they are. I’ve healed, grown, but most importantly, learn’d. With the Gilmore girls, I get an instinctual sixth sense urge to start rewatching around end of August and usually give in, not thinking I am doing anything wrong. But this year for the first time, I realized. i realized that if I start watching when I know I have 2 hot months ahead of me, I will become a demon— like doja cat. I will start dressing like the girls and sweat. 

I am proud to say that first the first time ever, I’m edging the Gilmore girls. I am waiting until post halloween to start my annual rewatch because I will be aligned and at peace. Every single day, every single mother fucking day, I think about watching that show. But instead, I wait. I fight the urge to quench my blood-thirst for those women and that town. I do it every goddamn motherfucking day. And I’ve actually been soaking up the september/october sun for once, appreciating it, because I know there will be days I miss its warmth when it’s cloudy for weeks and weeks on end. I guess you could call it living for the moment, the true key to happiness. i am 24 and I know this, along with other smart things. I’d also like to recommend the first season of Joe Pera talks with you streaming on MAX for fall flavor. I think it’s a perfect show, like Gilmore Girls (seasons 1-4). 

All in all, I am happy with my choices. Cheers! To fall and the holidays coming up.